Maybe I’m seeing things, but being a ‘researcher’ the past few months has somehow changed the way I observe everything. I tend to over-analyze - well, I’ve always done that, but now, I actually try to come up with a why and how, rather than the usual ‘mmm… that’s interesting’. Maybe it’s because I’m reading much more than usual. I don’t know.

So, here’s a pondering: 7235. 5302. 6872. 7906. 1975. 2234. 1969.

Which two numbers pop up? Why do I have the feeling that, unless you try hard to figure it out, we’ll end up with the same two.

In academia, you are constantly learning of a new effect, a new method, a new theory, a new model, etc… A lot of the time, you’d be already familiar with the concept, without knowing that there’s a name for it. Call me flaky, well, a flaky nerd, but those little pieces of information sometimes make my day.

I somehow find myself in a minivan, with some other researchers, heading to a foreign city for a conference. I watch detachedly as I get up at 5:30 in the morning, pack an overnight bag, shower, put on a suit, grab a terrible coffee from the only open place I see, and head towards the meeting point.

A rebelious part of me, the part that refuses in any way to be shackled by life, held back by responsibilities, and let down by adulthood wakes up at some point during the packing. He shudders when he sees me packing a pajama and groggily grabs for his music; a lifeline through the fourth dimension of my existence.He refuses to take it off while showering, shaving, teeth-brushing, dressing, and commuting. At the meeting point, he relents and allows me to utter a few incomprehensible words to my colleagues. The headphones come back on. Skip Ashkenazy playing Chopin and move on to Angra.

Laptop on, browse through photos for flickr. Type up blog post.

It’s been a winding trip that’s led me to this minivan, and this new life. Sometimes, I don’t really understand my choices, sometimes I doubt them, and my abilities. Still, i’m on the minivan, aren’t I?

I recently was discussing education with someone close to me. They were studying at a Lebanese university (my Alma Mater) actually… and were going through some tough time. The quality of education, and my gratefulness to what I recieved from (Lebanese American University) LAU notwithstanding, it’s a very heavy burden to jump from highschool and immediately go into university. Having to chose a major before experiencing anything, and the trouble associated with changing majors halfway through (I did something like that, a very minor change, but very troublesome still), including having to live with the idea that you backed out, gave up, etc… can be strenuous. Still, the fact that it was an American academic system allowed me to experience various fields, and to move relatively easily to my new major.

That said, I got my B.Sc., then went straight to Germany and got my M.Sc. and will soon start on my PhD and i’m only twenty-fucking-three. That may not seem too young, but when bundled with the fact that one big reason why I’m going for a PhD is that I’m not ready to join the ratrace makes it evident that something went slightly awry. I should have had a leisure year, or some experimental year where I could (at the expense of sounding hippie-ish) discover my self, my inner self. I still managed to do that, living alone and sad in Hamburg, but it wasn’t quite the same, and it almost ruined a whole academic year for me.

Germans take their time. They start uni much later, many of them jump around from one major to the next, until they settle on something, or until they realise that they’re too fucking old to be starting something else, and then sit down and get their degree. Of course, one main reason for this is that they have less financial pressure when compared to Lebanese youth. It’s the societal expectations and the structure of families here and there that leads to this.

It’s not all bad, here or there, the german system promotes and really develops the students ability to work independantly, and to produce high-quality research and papers, the Lebanese system (mine at least) promoted success under pressure, a very pleasurable learning experience, open classes with lots of discussions and idea-sharing, etc.

This brings me to America. The war-mongering, cultureless people that are Americans once again show the rest of the world how it’s done. It may be the case that American students aren’t as succesfull as their counterparts in Europe or elsewhere, but the American university system is top-notch. The structure of degrees, the general university requirements which touch on subjects from across the spectrum of fields, the interaction during lectures and providing high-end equipment and resources really is a credit. Students have a freshman year where they’re taking very general courses, prepping them to pick a suitable major without wasting time, and allowing them to get comfortable with university life is a major plus. Furthermore, students finish at a timely pace and are qualified enough to deal with the industry or area they specialised in as well as the real world.

Enough about education. I love America, and you who disagree already know what you can munch on (for you newcomers, it’s my taint).

I have an american flag in my room in my new flat. It’ll be hanging there for all to see, and I was warned that I would have to pay the price for that in broken windows. Who cares. My US flag is a fireproof one. It’s a statement.

Fuck it. I adore America. In what other country in the world does the vice president shoot someone in the face while hunting, and gets asked during an interview, soon after the incident, whether he “actually got the bird”? Fuck yeah.

ok… gotta keep this short and sweet.

I did it. I shall be addressed as Ramz, M.Sc. Everything goes forward as planned. It worked out good in the end.

Now I can pour my heart out without feeling guilty. But not tonight.

I have to go drown myself in my own glory… or in some good single malt. Whichever.

I’m done with my MSc. Much, much more on that later… suffice to say, it’s as good as over and done with. Not as good as I wanted. Not as good as I am capable of. Whatever. There’s still the defense next week, which would decide severl important things for me, but it’s not that tough. I’m not pleased, but I’m relieved. Does that even make sense? Seriously…. I’ll be disecting this phase of my life… but I want to wait till next week first.
It’s not like i’m on vacation. I’ve dived right back into work… but that’s easy and fun… and it makes me money, which I can spend…

Here’s the thing… I’ve missed out on a lot these past six months… the last month or so was ridiculous.

Freedom is still taking root… I want to sing. I’ve been singing non-stop… I’ve been drinking non-stop… reciting poems in the subway… smiling all the time… I can’t wait for the parties, the drinking, the chicks, photos, the exhibitions, the drinking… life… LIFE!

I finished on tuesday… I’ve hit a fashion show, and went out twice since… I’ve got plans for the next week or two, i’ve got two dates, and an open slot on saturday for a third…. I’m hitting the ground running and ain’t nothing gonna stop this train… chooo choooo!
Life has resumed, and i’m there for the ride. Last night (or a few minutes ago, relative to when I actually wrote this), a friend showed me her playlist… as someone mentioned a poem (we were at rehearsals)… the portion of my being that had been hibernating was overwhelmed… It was as if I had put on shuffle mode… thirty songs, ten poems, twenty movie quotes and boobs floating around my head… a veritable cocktail of pleasure…

The old me… he’s returning. He’s hungry, happy and horny.

Smile for me.

And beware…

ps: F. was right…. why were you people worrying? It’s the realm after all!

It don’t work that way… you earn your daily bread… how you eventually accomplish that may be very mundane, or very suprising.

For example, last week, I earned my daily bread translating a movie. Granted, I also earned my daily coffee and cigarettes, and my nightly nightcap that way as well..

Next week, I might earn it prostituting myself. Nothing is given.

I’m behind as always, but I am at ease because this time, it’s not for long. I always talk about the puzzle, well the pieces are finally falling into place. Who knew it would gain a foothold so easily? Who would have guessed it would gain traction so exponentially!??!

Uni-wise, the meeting last Monday was apparently very successful, athough I barely managed seven of the eleven tasks I’d set for myself, and neither handed in the second draft nor demoed the system. My professore said, and I quote: “this draft is the best thesis I have read in a long, long time”. That’s a Prof. Dr. Dr. (two doctors in one!!) saying this. True, I now have to actually do the stuff I’d bragged about doing in the paper, but just finishing those basically guarantees me a good grade, a very good grade. My thesis and system are due on the 31st of January. I defend my thesis on February 8th.

Workwise, I’m working right now, and I’ve got two gigs coming up in the coming weeks that should support me for some time. The plans to stay in Berlin and find my own flat are also now written in stone. It’s all happening, one skip at a time.

All that’s left is clearing out the PhD issues, which shouldn’t be that complex, and that would imply even more funding and financial security. In 13 days, my time will be my own again. I’ll finish this blog’s design, create my website, and start taking photos as frequently as a few months ago. I’ve got a part in a play in may, summer draws ever closer, the soccer world cup is soon as well. A vacation in february or march is all but certain, the first real time off in almost three years…(not really, but close to one, at least)

Yeah it’s good… and it’s all taken or earned. None given.

So much for maxims.

4:21am. Can’t sleep.
I tumbled around in bed for an hour or so, and then decided, fuck it, I’m not forcing myself to sleep. Naturally, the moment I slipped under the sheets, my brain (conscience) went into overdrive.

It started out with thoughts about my Thesis. It’s not going too well, every pothole is magically magnified into a chasm, leading me to stop working and lament. It’s natural, with me, I need to feel the pressure before getting down to business. But I’m tired, and I’m bored. I want to be done with all this crap, and have 2 weeks, just 2 weeks, where everything’s simpler (that’s not going to happen in all cases…).

Anyway, the next stop was work, my PhD, deciding where to live, finances, figuring out a possible slot for a trip home, etc…

As for the final point on the agenda, I knew what it was from the moment I decided to call it a night. It’s the one that rarely allows drifting into unconsciousness to be a pleasant feeling. A non-issue (to some), that matters a lot to me, and has been magnified over time, and repetition. It’s, of course, one I can’t share. How I wish I could. But I can’t. Shut up.

No, but yeah, but no. Well, it’s something, or nothing, that I decided to resist. I didn’t feel like it tonight. So, I get out of bed, make coffee (i just heard it, it’s done). Smells good, by the way. Lebanese coffee… friggin’ awesome. So yeah, anyway, I get out of bed, and decide to blog. And try to figure out a snag in my system, that would really put me back on track. If I fix this (miniscule) issue, the rest of that task would be done in no time. Leaving only one other task to finish, and some touch up for everything. Manageable before january 9th.

In case you haven’t noticed, I’m ranting. Regardless of how I try to polish things, of how I try to act, of what I (supposedly) achieved and am achieving, I’m a sad person. It’s pissing me off. But it’s true. I yearn for simple, small things, that so many others just take for granted. So it is. Fuck it all.

I’m edgy. Begging for trouble. I was literally hoping someone would bump into me twice on the dance floor, on new year’s eve. I need to take it out on someone. (preferably, not a 6 foot, 220 pound skinhead… but if need be…)

I think my virginity is growing back on. I need to get laid.

I yawned a few hours ago. It wasn’t a normal yawn. I.LITERALLY.DISLODGED.MY.JAW! Searing pain! I don’t yawn. I’m a very energetic person.

Granted, I’ve slept an average of 4 hours a day since monday. Which is a good thing. I’m somewhat in the zone. Finally. It’s been at least several months since I’ve found myself in this state. Let me explain.

I used to be VERY productive, and had a lot of endurance. My record stands at 4 days on end, working on my final project (undergrad). Four days with long, concentrated, and very productive hours. Since that time, since moving to G., I seemed to have lost that. I still crammed, and managed to learn a lot, or get a lot done in very little time, but this was more pressure than passion.

Doing my research project almost a year ago, it took me a month to actually start, another month to actually start work. Luckily, some logistical issues were in the way and my deadline was extended. I managed to pull my act together and produce a great quality project in the last two weeks. Too many things are involved in this story for me to really tell it. Personal issues, disappointment, lack of motivation, academic issues, lack of perspective and vision, etc…

Anyway, it was better when I started on my thesis. I managed to work relatively regularly, but the hours were neither long, nor productive. Finally, a week or so ago, I got the bug. I am back in the zone. Again, numerous factors played a role. I’m still not as productive as I’d like to be, or can be. I’m not REALLY working the long hours. But I’m up early, in bed late, and getting decent amounts of work done.

The yawn comes in here. I’m tired. I think that’s one of the first times I’ve admitted it. I’m glad that I’m tired because of work, and not due to laziness. You know lazy tiresomeness? I hate that bitch. I yawned. Damn near sucked in the ozone layer.

The purpose of this rant? I yawned. And I’m working well. And I should go to bed.

Night y’all.

4 am.

hearkening back to the days of Hamburg. The misery that kept me up every night, and lulled me to sleep at daybreak is gone, to a certain extent. There’s no fulfillment in replacement. True, there are good days. Hell, there are great days. But the bad ones are all the worse for that.

I’m withering away. It’s always been an effort to make through any given day here. True, it was an effort back in the old days as well, but the grass is always greener. If I let myself go, I know that there are a few I can rely on to catch me. That’s not what I want. I want to stop thinking about letting myself go.

In the subway, on the way to meet a friend, I was hit with a mild case of the blues. Thanks to Mr. Morrison, it passed as quickly as it came. I have better friends than I deserve. I have better opportunities than I deserve. I do better academically than I deserve. I’m better thought of than I should be. I’ve loved, and lost, but loved nonetheless. And it was beautiful, and more than I deserved. Wallowing in self-despair isn’t as bad as some make it out to be. Those thoughts left me smiling, and happy.

I’m not posting to nag. We just thought that it was high time for me to share some observations that I’ve made recently. I would have filed them somewhere and done this later, but I’m not alone here. Jack is a persuasive gentleman.

-The “Atheist Alliance, intl”. Why do atheists need an international alliance? Why do they need to identify with something larger and more universal than their own being? Isn’t that what God’s for? I just don’t get it.

-I recently went to prolong my residence visa in this great nation. I was given a 2-month extension, but not a real prolongation. You see, the government had sent out a request for a “Terror report” on me. They hadn’t received an answer, and hence, couldn’t prolong my visa.
The thoughts that crossed my mind, in order:
“Racists”
“Is it cause I’s black” (Ali G, what can I do?)
What I said:
“About friggin’ time”. They let the scum of the world come here, and then they start to complain. Look no further than Paris.

-Bathroom attendants. What’s the deal? What the hell kind of a job is that? Who needs someone to hand them a towel? Lack of creativity? Remnant from the age of kings and knights? What the hell?

-My son’s first word: ’sup

-The little things that I appreciate about this city: I only need to strike one match to light a cigarette. In H, it was a glorious struggle between man and nature.

-If a girl says ouch during sex, and you know you’re not doing anything wrong, should you be worried, or take it as a complement.

-I hate having to feign sympathy… People regaling me with their petty problems and I can only say oh no, and oh I’m sorry… In reality, I couldn’t give a flying fuck. If they knew the shit that I go through, not to mention the crap the goes on all over this planet… Pathetic.

-I’m postponing the inevitable. Going back to my plans to go for a PhD. I’m not ready to get a job and join the rat race, so, there you have it.

-Normalcy; interviewing a girl for a vacant room in my flat, she felt the need to say that she’s a lesbian. That’s not NORMAL. Normal means I don’t need to make an issue out of it… I have no qualms with homosexuality, it’s a person’s personal life choice. Their ‘in your face’ attitude bugs the hell out of me. If you’re normal, that’s it. I don’t go around telling people that I have to cut my hair, otherwise it would just keep growing.

Now, I bid you adieu. A half-full (half-empty?) bottle of Jack is sitting at arm’s reach, wooing me. Tempting me with that golden, devilish concoction. ““Uisce Beatha””. Nectar. The drink of gods. The water of life. A sultry mistress, to say the least.

Beat that.

You might want to skip this… it’s not a particularly special read… see, I’ve been celebrating (sort of) for the past week or so… I’ve hit a streak of amazingly good luck. Something I am no longer used to, and have learned not to expect…

First, I move in to a new flat in a new city, great people, great flatmates, great flat, great friends….

Then, I get an A+ on a research that I’d worked from january to may…

Then, I pass that course that I’d failed twice before. The one that was threatening to end my MSc, the one that I didn’t, and still don’t, understand, the one with the professor that doesn’t particularly tolerate (let alone like) me… I got a B on that. Now, I only have my thesis to work on. weeeee…..

Then, comes the small stuff that just make a certain situation perfect, or positive, or great… those are in the dozens….

I had a poker night at my place. I was down 14 euros after a while, I won that back, and then some…

A photo of mine on flickr made it past the Delete me! group… that’s luck, not talent
So yeah… I don’t know what’s next… I’m looking forward to it though. More good luck would be welcome… I’m kinda enjoying this streak… Bad luck wouldn’t trouble me that much. If I’ve learned one thing in Germany, it’s to pick myself up again and again…

I’m in the middle of an all-nighter. I want to finish a major document that’s a milestone in my thesis’ process. I hopped on news.google.com for a quick news update… ok, I wanted to check the latest on MJ… and noticed that the World category had only news about plane crashes.

It’s so strange that in the past couple of weeks, no less than 6 crashes were on the news. 5 of these fatal, and 2 with upwards of 100 victims. It’s just strange.

Also strange, and Israeli settler, a secular one, for that matter, was commenting on the then-upcoming withdrawal from the Gaza strip. She said that she didn’t want to leave because this was her land, the land of her ancestors, the land given to her people. Now, I couldn’t really give a rat’s ass about that whole conflict at the moment… but if you’re secular, you’re not supposed to use that argument. Your people? Given? By Whom? Your ancestors? Huh?

Another one, girls claim they want straight-shooting guys. No messing with them, and playing on their emotions. When push comes to shove, however, they revel in the games, they enjoy the torture, and they play like the players they pretend not to be. What the fuck is that all about?

Bah, humbug. Back to the Software Requirements Specification.

I took a quasi-break from my online life these past few days… I had a major exam yesterday, one that I’d failed twice before, and absolutely had to pass this time in order to be able to register my thesis. (Also, because I only get three shots, and the fourth is an oral exam, and much harder). Needless to say, I’d been under a lot of stress due to this fact. The course actually has nothing to do with my degree, and very little with my general area of expertise… It is an advanced course for which I don’t have the proper background. But I HAD to take it because those were the uni rules… Today I’m going to be positive. I won’t criticize the uni, the prof, the degree program, or anything else.

So. I decided to minimize my time online, and spent it cramming up for the test, memorizing formulae, praying to gods present and ancient (Odin, Ra, Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, Zeus, and worm-with-giant-brain), burning incense, pledging all my earthly and spiritual belongings, sacrificing childr– I mean, wheat, etc.

Anyway, the test is over. I migh have just scraped through. Now, I’m back in Berlin (hurrah!), for good this time. And, I’m going to have to work hard to make up for lost time on my thesis. But that’s not an issue. I love that. I just hope it’s not all in vain, when the results come in two weeks from now.

Not blogging for a few days doesn’t mean you cease to have ideas. I jotted those down and will blog them soon enough.

/sympathy drive over.

[[edit: I posted this originally on Wednesday. Raf made me look twice, after he commented on me not posting anything recently. It turns out, the post had been saved as a draft.]
Must post sober. Orange means publish, blue means draft.
]]

I had to submit some papers to the International office at my university. This office deals with all foreign students, and all students pursuing international programs (a.k.a. studying in English). Now, I have been extremely disappointed in my stay in Germany, and one thing that bothered me for a long time was that it was hard to communicate with people in English. I have since learned some German, and things of course improved somewhat…

Imagine my dismay, however, when the HEAD of the INTERNATIONAL office announced that she, unfortunately, doesn’t speak English. She only spoke German. Not just any German. Ten-syllable-words German. Exclusively. International office my ass.

Wasn’t very easy to get my thoughts through.

If God exists, and I had one thing to say to her… “RUB IT IN.”

I have a question. Why is it that personal hygiene and productivity are inversely proportional? Why is it that the harder one works (from home, that is) the dirtier he is?

One could claim that being busy doesn’t leave much time for anything else. I don’t believe that.

Case in point: Me!

I haven’t shaved in a couple of weeks. I’m a total wreck. When/if I step outside (usually to buy alcohol, cigarettes, or water) trees wilt at my sight. I do shower, but not so often, and not so vigorously. On the other hand, I’m writing and researching non-stop, finishing up my paper, and feeling ok, academically. I’m also attending class (I shower before that!), and getting some workout done.

It’s not that I’ve no time to waste, because I’m still wasting hours every day. It’s just that to actually get up and clean my room, or shave, or do the dishes, or take out the trash requires such an effort…

So, if you see me walking down the street, sporting a beard, know that I’m working hard. Wish me luck. I wouldn’t advise you to come too close, though.