ramz

I’ve been an embodiment of Jeckyll and Hyde for quite some time… except that I oscillate between happiness and sadness, rather than good and evil. Along the lines of that novel, my transition phases used to be more painful, but the lulls in between were long enough to adapt to… with time things have changed… the transition has become part of my being, it’s neither painful nor unique, it just is… the lulls can no longer be called thus, they are way too short and way too instable. I could transform several times a day, I no longer notice myself transforming. I wake wake up in this state or that. I blink, and bam, the nutcracker is squeezing my heart, bam, I’m the king of the world… The lulls are painful. They are now merely phases spent in anticipation of the next change, phases where I exxagerate everything, where I pretend to be ecstatic, in hope of convincing myself that that is a fact, and storing some positive images for the inevitable fall.

It’s joyful, it’s painful, and I don’t trust myself anymore.